A man walks into a bar (located in a rather rural area) and exclaims to the bartender, "I'll bet you a beer that you could bring out any animal pelt and I could tell you, while blindfolded, what animal it was and how it was killed." The bartender rather curious about the man's claim agrees.
The bartender blindfolds the rather confident man and hands him a pelt. The man feels the pelt and exclaims, "Squirrel; 22 Rifle". "Holy shit!" the bartender yells. He promptly rewards the man with a beer.
This continued with almost everyone in the bar: "Raccoon; 30 alt 6"..."Deer; 12 guage buckshot"...everyone of them right.
After a long night of winning beer, the man wakes up the next morning to see himself in the mirror with two black eyes. He yells at his wife, "Honey, did I come home drunk last night?" She replied, "Hell yes you did...you were trashed."
"Well what the hell happened to my face?" the man asked. "Did I get jumped or mugged or something?"
"No," she said, "everything was fine until you got into bed, reached under the covers and said 'Skunk; killed by an axe'"
A little boy was taking a shower with his mom. The young kid pointed between his mom's legs and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" The mother, surprised, said, "Oh, that's where God hit me with his Golden Axe." Quick with a response, the young boy replied, "Wow, a Golden Axe right in the c**t, that must have hurt!"
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be O.K. in California and Massachusetts, but we're not having any fags in my garden!" -
Two guys enter a bar & order some beer. One looks around and says to the other "Hey, isn't that Hilter over there?" The other looks and says, "Nah. Hitler's dead". The beer arrives and the other guy says "Hey isn't that Goering over there also?" The other guy says "Nah, can't be, he's dead too." After a while, the two guys decide to go over and speak to the Hilter & Goering look alikes. The first guy says "Hey, are you Hitler?" and Hitler replies "Yes, and this is Herr Goering, we've come back kill 50 million jews and a milkman." The two guys look at each and then the second one asks, "Why kill a milkman??".
Hitler then turns to Goering and says, "I told you they didn't care about the jews". -
Here is the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.
A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."