This has been a shocking few days for me. Monday morning at approx, 05:20am I was involved in yet another fatality! For those of you who do not know I work for a Train Company as a Train Driver. I have had 2 previous fatalities, and now I have had another!
This one is slightly more difficult to deal with as I was not aware I had hit anyone. You may think that's impossible! But at that time in the morning it was only just getting light and a flock of birds flew across in front of me. I assumed it was a bird strike. An hour and half later after driving back to another station I began to learn the truth! I saw the slight damage to the Power Car which was now at the rear of the train, and some of the debris left. That confirmed my suspicions! My mind is in turmoil at the moment, just numb, the shock and realisation has not set in yet. The guilt is there, as to me although I saw no one and just felt a slight thump (Possible Bird strike) It feels like I've done a hit and run! I'm off work for a while. I'm doing Wings n Wheels this year no matter what! (August 24) So if anyone sees me and wants to talk to me that's fine. I've had great support from my close friends and a few people from this site. I'm so greatfull to them. BigChief has spent some time talking to me and trying to help me over this transient period until things settle. Keith thank you! You are helping and no doubt I will call quite a few more times.
My pretty lady was utterly shocked, but she has been there for me. She's the greatest person I have ever known and loved!
So if you see me and I'm maybe a bit "off" or remote, it's nothing anyone has done or said, it might be my coping mechanism working. Don't feel as if you can't approach me please come and say hi. I know what to expect with the feelings to come, I won't go looking for it.... May it pass quickly! Then I can get on with things again! I have a new project I'm working on (Not Skyline related) That will take up some time and thought. Keeping me active.
I will see those of you at Wings n Wheels on Sunday 24 August, at least it is summat to focus on.
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling but just know that there's nothing that you could have done, what's happened has happened and you shouldn't punish yourself for that. We all make choices and sometimes they affect others.
It's great that Keith is helping you get through this but if you ever find yourself needing to talk to someone, there's plenty of us here that'll lend an ear.
sorry to hear about that, i can only imagine how stressful that would be, its easy saying it but you shouldnt feel guilty, you couldnt have done anything even if you did see them as i know how long it takes to stop a train, and maybe its a good thing you never seen before it happened, so you wouldnt have the sight of them stuck in your mind, as said previous just use your time off to enjoy the good things in life and you will be back to normal in no time
Maccer, I'm really sorry to hear that you are having to go through this - I can't really add anything to what has already been said above but Anne & I sincerely hope you are able to get some peaceful time to get over this. See you at Dunsfold.
Hello maccer i also work on the rail supervisor,handback engineer and have been through fatalities on track myself . Don't beat yaself up mate unfortunately its part of working on the rail. Take care pal
Wow! Thank you all for the kind words and support, I'm overwhelmed. This is going to be a difficult time now.... I'll get through it though. The professional side realises that there was nothing that I could do. It's the emotional side that's causing me problems.
The emotional mind is a perverse thing at times. There are so many questions and rationales that I'm trying to figure out..... That's part of the healing process. When the times right I'll be back doing the job I love doing! Trust me, 4500hp on tap at 125mph now that's cool. The one thing that hacks me off is the lack of care and support from this company! I've been asked a few times when I'm coming back that's all they seemed to be concerned about..... Well tough I'll be back ( no pun intended) when I'm ready they'll just have to wait won't they.....
Once again thanks for you kind words and support you're all so good..... it's of great comfort to me really. I'll be around from time to time. I'll be at Wings n Wheels as I said.
It never rains but it poors..... Last Thursday I had to dial 999 for maccer, he was rushed into hospital doubled over with stomach pains. I've never seen anything like and it was very upsetting. Gizmo was staying with us also. The hospital think that it may have been Kidney stones, although loads of tests have been done, they've not found anything. He's back home now on high powered pain killers. Hopefully things will settle down and he'll be fine. Bless him he's really going through it with all the other stuff.
Gizmo was with us and was so helpful, he's a star. You couldn't wish to have a better friend staying with you.
We'll still be doing Wings n Wheels, maccer has been told to take things easy but you know what he's like.
I'd thought I'd just let you all know whats going on. speak to and see you all soon.
Mr and Mrs M, you guys are amazing, you are stronger than I think I could be and have wonderful hearts. I feel blessed to call you friends. if there is anything you need I am only a phone call away. even if it is just a chat to take the piss out of him being a van driver!!! I am pleased you are intending to get to Dunsfold, and pleased I will be there this year as well. big hugs all round. take care, Happy Paul.