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Old 04-04-2008, 01:40 PM   #1
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Jokes section

What about a joke section where all the sh1tey jokes and funnies can be put into rather than in lounge or general?


Did you hear about the woman's head and hands found on the beach? It was found on Arbroath beach, a small town, you know how these stories come about by the time it reached the other side of town it will have grown arms and legs...




I was passing the job centre the other day and noticed an attractive offer..

"How to get ahead in life...............


............


...........


Go to Arbroath"
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Old 04-04-2008, 01:46 PM   #2
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Old 04-04-2008, 02:07 PM   #3
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Old 04-04-2008, 03:02 PM   #4
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Some I was emailed a few days ago.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
Another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
And not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until
Suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the
Drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one
after
Another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets
Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's
a
Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


``````````````

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black
Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
Meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
Overseas holidays. The Salary package is 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

```````````````

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
Object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.


`````````````````````

A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool
Shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on
the
Wall.He was just about to leave when the barman says:

'Where do you think you're going?'

The Scouser replies: 'I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I
think
I'd better leave,'

The barman says: 'No no no. It's too late for that.
You've got to roll the
Dice Pal,' The Scouser looks puzzled and says: 'Roll the dice?'

The Barman replies: 'Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out
Of you,'

The Scouser says: 'What if I roll a 6?'

The barman replies: 'You get another go..'

`````````````````

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She
Asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher
Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your
Hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan,
Then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a
Man
Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
For you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all
Of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
Addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'
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Old 04-04-2008, 04:51 PM   #5
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Now these are funny
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Old 14-04-2008, 11:49 PM   #6
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where does kylie go to get her junk food!!!!!!??????

...

...

...

Jason's DonnerVan.
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Old 15-04-2008, 01:41 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texvandoodoo View Post
Did you hear about the woman's head and hands found on the beach? It was found on Arbroath beach, a small town, you know how these stories come about by the time it reached the other side of town it will have grown arms and legs...


I was passing the job centre the other day and noticed an attractive offer..

"How to get ahead in life...............


............


...........


Go to Arbroath"
I also read that they arrested a guy in Morrisons car park in connection with the body parts.

Suspicions were aroused when the arse fell out his carrier bag.

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Old 15-04-2008, 02:03 PM   #8
 
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When i was born, I had the choice of either being "A Good Shag" or "Havin a Superb Memory"

So i..............

Ah Fcuk it, I forgot what i was gonna say!!
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Old 15-04-2008, 09:09 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sexytrish36 View Post

When i was born, I had the choice of either being "A Good Shag" or "Havin a Superb Memory"

So i..............

Ah Fcuk it, I forgot what i was gonna say!!

genius hahaha
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Old 16-04-2008, 12:10 AM   #10
 
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An Old lady hears her doorbell,
Shes goes to answer it, when she see a young man standing there holding a Vaccum Cleaner in his hand.

"Fcuk Off I'm not interested" the Old Lady says to him.

Next thing she knows is the young man is tipping a bucket of Horse Shit on her hall carpet,and says "If this hoover doesn't remove ALL the traces of this Horse Shit Madam, I will eat the remainder"

So the Old Lady replies, "I hope your Fcuking Hungry because the Electricity was cut off this morning!!!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~



Harry Potter stories are a bit Far-fetched. I can except the fact that majic exsist,
and that there may even be Unicorns and wizzards,
But a Ginger with 2 mates...? FCUK OFF!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


Was just readin an article on heavy drinkin..
Scared the shit out of me.. So thats it.................
after tonight, NO more Fcuking Reading!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Last edited by sexytrish36; 16-04-2008 at 12:19 AM.
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Old 16-04-2008, 09:54 AM   #11
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nice, but lets try and avoid the F word too much, unless you are advertising for French Connection UK
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Old 16-04-2008, 11:06 AM   #12
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A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

'The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.
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Old 16-04-2008, 11:08 AM   #13
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How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash! your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo ! Mohawk.


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath t he whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.
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Old 18-04-2008, 12:52 AM   #14
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little april was asleep in class
the taecher decided to try and catch her out and asks
tell me april who created the universe?
when april did'nt stir. her friend little johnny jabbed her in the back
with a pen . "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted april. a little later the teacher asks her " who is our saviour?" johnny again prods her with a pen and april shouts
"JESUS CHRIST!" the teacher was determined to catch her asleep
and asks "what did eve say to adam after she had their 23rd child?"
johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs april who screams "IF YOU STICK THAT FCUKING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!"
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Old 09-09-2008, 12:40 AM   #15
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"


The lawyer uses his laptop,searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.


The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"


The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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